Pretty Women I.5

This is a fictional account. See previous entries.

When Jolene arrived home, she examined her skateboard more closely. It was beyond repair, three wheels were missing and there was a deep crack in the middle which dissected the girl insignia neatly in half. Jolene was livid.
She turned on the computer and called up her favourite on line detective program. Quickly, she typed in the license plate number and within seconds the screen was filled with information.

Name: William and Glynnis Charleswood
Address: Briarwood Estate...

Everything was there, even their annual income. Jolene smiled smugly.


copyright 2005

Pretty Women I.4

The following is a fictional account. This is an ongoing story so please read previous entries I.1 -I.3.

Jolene hobbled down the street while Glynnis drove past, waving.

Jolene was a fit girl of fifteen who carried her large frame well, her stomach protruding proudly over her size 36 skateboarder denims. Her black hair curled at her shoulders from under a khaki cap. Her mind was still preoccupied with the golden bronzed image of Glynnis and her finely articulated words which she spoke to herself as she got into her convertible, " Teenagers really have to get a grasp on what courtesy is."


Copyright 2005

Proverbs 26:12

"Seest thou a man wise in his own conceit? there is more hope of a fool than of him."

Pretty Women I.3

The following is a fictional account

Glynnis applied fresh rumbleberry lipstick to her threaded lips as she backed her blue BMW cabriolet out of the driveway. Unfortunately for Jolene who was speeding down the street on her green and black girl- skateboard at the same time.
Jolene lay stunned and speechless as Glynnis jumped out her vehicle, rumbleberry across the cheek, screaming at her total lack of skateboarding skills.
Jolene moved her limbs successfuly, felt gratitude for the helmet she had worn then slowly stood up to face the ranting woman.
"How dare you..." Jolene began a tirade of defense and accusation against the woman whom she discerned could afford it.
Glynnis agreed sympathetically, after noting that her cabriolet was unharmed and Jolene suffered only minor injuries.

Jolene wrote down her license plate.

copyright 2005

Pretty Women I.2

The following is a fictional account

Marie thoughtfully mixed the colors. Glynnis was a level 6 with #10 highlights.
Today Glynnis would be receiving the full treatment, c/c, full leg waxing, brow and upper and lower lip threading and sixty minutes on the bed.
"Will you wear the safety glasses today."
Glynnis frowned as she did not like the lines they left.
"You know I am required by law to advise you to use them."
"Marie, don't you know that if you increase both the UVA and UVB to a nominal intensity, the light will travel vertically and be unable to infiltrate my horizontal exposure. There is no need for those silly goggles." Glynnis gestures added to the explanation of light travel.
Marie's own eyes dilated but she shrugged knowing to be convinced to put the goggles away.

Six hours later, after complicated instruction on color application and the fundamentals of good waxing technique, Marie and Glynnis hugged.
Glynnis was pleased that Marie had learned so much and Marie was pleased by the consolation for her lack of knowledge by a hearty tip.

Marie swept the hair and bleached the tanning bed, dreaming of another trip to the Bahamas.


copyright 2005

Pretty Women I.1

This is a fictional account.

Marie did her morning meditation taking deep breaths as she looked out the window and thought of nothing but Glynnis. Her customers always came first and appreciated her friendly focus. It took hours to perfect the concentration but she learned that it guaranteed her clients' loyalty. The tips often reached 25% through her purposeful meditation. Her smile greeted Glynnis at the door.

Glynnis smiled down at the woman before her. The salon was private and specialized for the treatment she was accustomed to. She knew nothing but that she was beautiful and meant to be admired. Marie amused her although she knew that Marie had nothing to offer but the skillful attitude of a servant.

Their aesthetic ambitions were met through each other.


copyright 2005

Summer 2005

I missed the first day of summer relaxation, but the second has sufficed. To celebrate its entry, I wore a special summer dress. It is flowered with yellow tulips, green foliage and purple splashes of various blooms. I describe the style as a "60's mom look" for every summer I put this replica on, I envision my Mom sitting at our kiddies' table set sipping lemonade in the shade. I feel motherly decked out and ready to enjoy the day.
A promise is kept to spend a delicious hour reading in the shade with an icefilled glass of soda.
The season has been heralded and more promises made.

Looking For Solutions

Last week, I asked an elderly woman in the church,who is 85 yrs old, for advice on dealing with aging. She is partially blind and has a heart condition. She is a tough woman though. She and her husband rarely miss a service. Even if her heart is acting up, she will take a nitro and be there for the evening service.

Immediately she told me that she always has been active in sports. She used to ski and hike in the mountains. Up to five years ago, she bowled and this with a visual impairment.
At the next service, she told me she eats healthy and suggested whole wheat bread.

Then this last time, she said that she wanted to speak to me after service as she had been thinking deeply about my question. We stood close in the foyer and she drew me close to her side. I knew this was an honored moment as an aged friend passes on precious wisdom.

"Carol, hold on to your faith tenaciously." She comforted me with Job as her love for God glistened in her clouded eyes.

I am a Worrier

In the last year, I have been working hard to overcome anxiety and have succeeded in many ways. I have tools now, some which have become second nature. Like:
-thinking of solutions instead of dwelling on the problems. Sometimes I still persist in the anxiety for a couple of hours or even days but eventually I remember to be objective.
-doing a scheduled worry time.
-relaxing my body which becomes very tensed when I am anxious.
-praying which helps me to remember the toolchest.

I am glad that anxiety is not the normal state anymore. I have examined my core beliefs that lead me to worry. I have learned my body's signals that warn me of the worry zone. I know that I am able to deal with anything that may arise or if not, I have access to Someone that does.


The evening was pleasant as we watched television after a day of work. My husband even gave me a half hour foot massage. The children were happily getting along. We are healthy and safely at home together.
Yet there is an undercurrent of anxiety. I haven't felt it for several months now so the sensation is unfamiliar which makes it even more disturbing.
"What is the matter?" I know I have to face the worry.
Blogging caused part of the anxiety this evening. I felt that I had nothing to say and am not a good enough writer. Feelings of inadequacy reappear. I hate this feeling, but it is here regardless. I have to deal with who I am right now. This isn't going to go away quickly.
I feel a need for affirmation but I am learning that I am the one who has to give myself words of encouragement. This is a hard and long lesson.
My health is a common concern. Being in my forties has been difficult physically. My latest concern is of a heart attack. I am holding off visiting my doctor for fear that I will appear a hypochondriac even though I have symptoms that I would like further addressed.
I also have a sore foot, hence the foot massage. Sigh.
I am not socially skilled and sometimes I am bothered by that. I want people to like me but know I have to learn to risk and not be afraid of mistakes or of being rejected. This includes creatively as well.

There I feel better now. Those tools really do help.

John 17:17

"Sanctify them in the truth; Your word is truth."

Excerpt from a Life

June 20,1974
I took my art poster to school. During art I asked Miss Blaze if I had to hand it in to be marked. She said no but she had to look at it. So she did. I put it back on the shelf. After a while Janet told me that Dizdikowksi,Lambdon and Sam had my poster. I looked around and saw them tearing it up. Oh did I get mad. I said to Joe (Dizdikowski),"Thanks!" He stopped laughing. He kept on saying "James (Lambdon)did it." I was so mad, then I walked back to my desk. I could hear Joe mocking me. James brought me Joe's art folder and told me to rip it up.
"No thanks. I'm not as stupid as you are."

In the afternoon (the girls had) Industrial Arts instead of Home Ec. The boys were in there. Mr Dunham said one of the boys would help me. I said okay. Guess who he asked? Joe. I was thinking,"Oh boy!" But instead of complaining he said sure. I was so surprised. He helped me just about finish my table. I still can't believe it! He didn't call me names or mock me. He was quite nice.


After reading this entry thirty years later, I realized that by standing up to these bullies, I received their respect although it lasted only one day.

Not Another Day

"Rain rain go away"
I chant to the tempest
whose black winds threaten to stir
dark clouds into a torrent of self reproach

A bright remembrance briefly calms the skies
of a fair weather friend
who learned to forgive stormy backlashes
and to love nature and its peculiar fondness for change

"Rain, rain go away"
unless you promise me a deluge
of reasons why I shouldn't run from the worms
that you will draw out

I Just Can't Live It

Today was the final evening of gospel meetings. It was intended for non-Christians who feel that they are not capable of living a Christian life and consequently do not obey the gospel call.
Many years ago I picked up a Bible and read, "He that saith, I know Him and keepeth not his commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him." I remember thinking," How can anyone do this?" and in fear and anger closed the book.
The lesson tonight addressed those feelings by encouraging the seeking soul not to focus on what they can't do but rather on what God can.
The Christian life is one of growth. Although a person arises from the baptismal waters freed from sin through the power of God, it is the life time of faith in that power which enables a Christian to live out His Words.

Securely Fastened

She is an exhausted pearl button
that dangles
from a well worn mauve couch

She is almost neglected
for one more wear
but preciousness must not be lost

A needle and thread
mends her dutifully
a kindness that excuses her

Girlpower

She is a valuable teacher
as she accepts her quietness
with calmness
and a joyful smile.

She is comfortable
as others take the spotlight.
She is a natural
friend.

She is the daughter
who shows me
the beauty of
being an introvert.


This poem was inspired by an article from a Chatelaine magazine article entitled Girlpower about women who learned from the girls in their lives.

Comfort for the Faint-hearted

We are having gospel meetings in the church this week. This means we have a guest preacher who gives a series of sermons in the hope of spreading the gospel to new people.
I find these meetings difficult as often uncomfortable aspects from the Bible are revealed as well. The one last night was about suffering pain. The preacher, Phil, said we should have the expectation that problems will occur and be ready for them when they do.
I sat anxiously squirming in my pew and I still am squirming as I think of the possibilities of pain in my life even though that it is not the point.
The point is I need to develop the faith that will be able to endure all things and continue to say in my heart "God is good" throughout any trial.
This growth is something I can work on today as I am reminded of Jesus' words, "So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
There is enough trials in each day to prepare for the next.

Acts 26:8

"Why should it be thought a thing incredible with you, that God should raise the dead?"

Excerpt from a Life

June 11, 1974
Today is Mango's birthday. Didn't even get her a present yet.


some things don't change

Mango

People still get us mixed up even though she is fair and I am dark. When we were children, she used to come with our family when we visited relatives. We told them that she was a mutant sister.

We met in the summer of 1970.
The city sponsored supervised play at all the city parks starting that summer. My sister, Rlynne, and I joined the park across the street. It was there that we saw the new kid in the neighborhood.
Everyone made a name tag by printing their name in glue and sprinkling sand over top. Rlynne and I both surreptitiously stole a look at hers and thought, "Mango?"
My sister was the outgoing one so she quickly latched onto Mango. I shyly followed the two girls around the park. Rlynne never did introduce me.
My opportunity came during a game of dodgeball the next day. Mango and I were on the same team so amid the dodges, I fearfully asked, "Will you be my friend?"
She replied, "Sure!" and we have been together ever since.
We played dolls together.
We learned about boys together.
We were roommates.
We partied together.
We both found good men to marry.
We both had two girls and a boy.
We both became Christians.

All because two little girls met.

Fourth Avenue

In a time before sorrows
we played with all our heart
in a retired mansion

we taped interviews
planned parties
critiqued performances
and sang

Aren't you glad
we are on fourth avenue again

The Covenant

A week ago I wrote of a cloudburst, since then it has rained every day. I witnessed nearby floodings but by television only and am grateful that our basement is dry.
After I got off work, the security man who accompanied me to my van, pointed out what a beautiful evening it was.
I looked up and saw that the clouds had uncovered the marvel of a blue sky again. How welcome were the sights of the western yellow horizon and a crescent moon.

We Learn

After all the kids had left for school, I received a phonecall from my eldest.
"Mom, promise me you won't freak out!"
This is not the kind of call I like to receive but keeping calm, I asked what the problem was. After she was realized that I actually was not going to freak out, she told me what the catastrophe was.
I found the missing appliance and she hung up, both of us being surprised by my cool response.

This evening, she says to me, "Don't freak out!" Again, once she sees that I am calm, she tells me about her broken $100.00 calculator. She reassures me that everything has already been worked out and tells me the saga of her broken calculator, the money she saved to replace it and how one was found on on e-bay through the help of a friend.

We both marveled at this new communication tool. She found a way to snap me out of my conditional response to problems.

Gotta love her!

To Grow Poetically

I have been participating in the Blueline poetry forum's Perfect Day for Poetry. It felt good to be challenged to write a poem for 30 days. I enjoyed being around other poets and their work. There is a definite camaraderie at Blueline. The encouragement was much appreciated. These poems were to be rough drafts and not meant to be critiqued but I began to feel a desire for negative feedback after the 20th day.

Blueline also has two different levels of Critique workshops but neither was well attended. As a result I am going to try out another forum which encourages a lot of tough critique. I hope I am tough enough for it.

The following is one of my favorites from the 30 day session.


Empathetically yours,

a desire to touch
the marbled treasures of Florence
the smooth sculpted contours
of David's eye lids
cool
under my fingertips

to see wild horses
racing the wind
free
eyes confidently meeting my gaze

to smell the flower
fresh and lilac under my nose

to taste a lunch again of pickled beets
deviled eggs made lovingly by my Mother
accompanied by sausage that could only
be bought at Ottenbreit's

to hear the voices
of my Mother
of my Father
calling me on the phone
Sunday evenings

I desire but cannot have

I understand you now

A book meme

Jennifer got me again for a book meme.

1. Total number of books I own.
Somehow this sounds familiar to me.
I currently have 487 +/- 10

2.Last book I bought was Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom. I picked this up at the Co-op grocery store which has a donated book exchange. I routinely check it out whenever I am there.
I saw this documentary on television about a journalist who visited and interviewed Morrie who was dying from Lou Gehrig' disease.

3. Last book read:
I am currently reading a book written by a Christian woman I met on a Bible discussion group. I admired her honest frankness and her ability to express herself so well on-line. I am enjoying getting to know her more through her writing.
I feel an affinity to people that write. Certain similarities appeal to me, such as a social awkwardness acommpanied by hidden qualities of honesty, depth, humor etc. To get to know these people would probably be difficult anywhere else.


4.Books that mean a lot to me:
The Bible is the most precious book in my possession. It is the book most worthy of study and meditation.
I am also grateful for the songbook The Hymns for Worship which my children and I sing to.
And all those others on my bookshelf. They are beautiful as they wait.

5.Tag 5 people: As Jennifer, I don't like to make others feel obligated but there are a few I know that have a well stocked library as well like Candid Spirit, Cuz and Moira and anybody else that would like to join in.

John 14:6

Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me."

Exerpt from a Life

April 5,1974
Mango and I did a play to "Smile Song." (Flip-side of "In the Midnight Hour")
It starts out, Mango is alone in the room. She is in a mentally disturbed institution. She is always isolated. She is very sad. Then her aunt comes to visit her. Her aunt doesn't like her as she is disturbed. The girl (Mango)is very happy to have a visitor. (I play the aunt) In the play I'm bored so I just leave. Its supposed to be really sad. In my opinion (not very modestly) its quite good. I'm very proud of it. "Smile Song" is played during the whole thing. No talking. Only the aunt keeps on asking herself outloud why the little girl is so happy.

No Offence was Intended

Timidly
I approached the doctor
with a question

"My Mother...
if she doesn't receive this procedure,
what will happen?"

He looked closely
my face was firmly set
no quivering lip
I was braced for the answer

He almost shouted
"She'll die!"
I didn't flinch
I was prepared
to know

Cloudburst

Driving home today, I was amazed with the beauty of the rain clouds approaching the city. A pale, small blue cloud raced the larger ones to the forefront of the sky. The scene looked painted; I could not touch the beauty. I longed to be with the clouds in the sky.

surrounded by the wind
my hair dances around my face
eyes hidden in the wisps
are blurred within the white and blue rainbows

gathering momentum
streams fall
and wet the twisting, shivering occupant
whose skin laughs and tactically enjoys

My daughter arrived home after me after being caught in the rainstorm, exclaiming, "It was like being in a cloud."

"What did you say?"

Want a Cigarette?

I started smoking when I was 19 years old. I thought I wouldn't eat so much but it didn't help,instead I had two bad habits. I ended up a chain smoker or as my Mom said, "You smoke like a chimney!" These words came from the wife of a two pack a day husband.

Smoking was more acceptable back then. I was allowed to smoke in the lab beside the acetone. After a drive with me, a huge puff of smoke released when the door opened but no one ever complained. It never occurred to me to quit. I was young and addicted.

When I was engaged, I bought a beautiful silver clutch and matching Bic's lighter cover to go with my wedding dress. Before the cash receipt was in my wallet, I knew I was doomed to quit before I would use them.

A fellow at work fasted for me while I clung on to the last butt. "Let go," he said, probably hoping to quit his fast. So I did.

I returned the clutch and lighter cover, had a wonderful smoke-free wedding but then two years later after my first daughter was born, I surprised myself by finding a cigarette in my hand, once again.

I did not want to have another child while I was smoking, but I finally decided that quitting again wasn't going to happen and decided to get pregnant anyways. Even though the doctor and nurses said it wasn't my fault, I was again determined to quit after a miscarriage.

No one offered to fast for me this time, but I believed that God could help me and had experience with the twelve steps already so I went to Nicotine Anonymous. I again experienced success in overcoming the nicotine habit. That was 14 years ago.

What helped me quit initially:

1. Having a reason to quit.
   
2. Doing the steps, especially having faith in my "Higher Power."
3. Deep breathing. My lung capacity wasn't very good initially but I could feel that my lungs desired to open up to the more available oxygen.
   
4. Having support.
5. Realizing that the craving wasn't going to last. I only had to endure the discomfort for a little while.
   
6. Taking up exercising. My body craved activity.

What helped me stay quit:

1. I admit I didn't keep going to the twelve step group but I stayed long enough to get the help I needed plus do some twelfth step work, which is helping other people suffering from the same addiction.
   
2. Never put the thought of smoking into my mind again although there were dreams that I continued to have for a couple of years after.
3. Gratitude for the two other children I had afterwards.
4. Addiction is a call for help and my addictions proved to be a great blessing in my life. As a result of them, I was forced to develop spiritually because I wanted to be free.

Phobias

I read that the average man has 2.21 phobias.
Women have 3.55!
What about you?

I hope none reading suffer from barophobia which I think would be the worst phobia on the list. This is the fear of gravity. Would this be the fear that gravity might suddenly stop or the fear of being attached to the planet itself? This is just too terrible and being as susceptible as I am, I am afraid I will develop it. The second worst one is optophobia, the fear of opening one's eyes. I can understand the fear of closing one's eyes, but opening?
Other peculiar ones are:
Dutchphobia- Fear of the Dutch.
Porphyrophobia- Fear of the color purple.
Lutraphobia- Fear of otters.


Reading this list makes me almost glad for the phobias I do have. Which, to name a few are:
Dentophobia- Fear of dentists.
Hypsiphobia or acrophobia- Fear of heights.
To a limited degree, laliophobia or lalophobia- Fear of speaking.
and as for the rest you will have to guess.

They are NOT:
Metrophobia- Fear or hatred of poetry.
Sophophobia- Fear of learning.
Telephonophobia- Fear of telephones.
Homilophobia- Fear of sermons.
Ouranophobia or Uranophobia- Fear of heaven.

Stupid laws!

Why are there so many stupid rules made?
I am not talking about the moral laws that protect our lives against murder and theft etc but the silly little laws that man likes to make.

Why make them at all?
A legality to avoid law suit?
A means to establish some order on an unordered society? It does so because if you draw a line, most will go over it but it is best to draw it anyways. Then people will feel good if they break the law just a little bit and will hopefully keep it at that.
The problem is that the law makers might not really expect you to keep the law but if you don't and the circumstances are favorable, you could be in big trouble.

I wonder about the type of person that actually goes around noting who violates such laws.
I wonder about the people that keep these laws so meticulously.
I wonder about the people that don't believe rules apply to them because of these stupid examples that they think proves everything.
I wonder at those who walk between the lines.

Proverbs 16:31

"The ear that heareth the reproof of life
abideth among the wise."

Excerpt from a life

Feb 22, 1974
Went to Rotary Carnival. You don't know how hard I was wishing that Chevy would be there and he was. He came with his brother. He was sitting on the same side as us. (Mango and I) Every few seconds I'd check to see if he was there. He's so cute. Mango, of course, doesn't think so. She won't even let me talk about him and I just have to. But I gave her a compliment and she let me at least say something about him. Sometimes I'd look at him and he'd be looking my way. I wish he'd like me. I think I'm the only one that likes him.

The God-fearing characters of the Bible seem flawless. Then you look again and see that Moses who is referred to in the Bible as a man and a servant of God actually refused to speak for Him. Noah, who walked with God, got inebriated. In the Old Testament, men were polygomous, including the wise King Solomon. The biggest example of sinfulness among the faithful is King David. He committed adultery then murdered her husband. This was a man who was after God's heart.

Anyone who thinks that they are not good enough to become a Christian needs to look again. These Bible characters are considered great because they believed that there is nothing that God cannot do. Even though this does not take place quickly as is evidenced by the above examples, God does perfect the imperfect. He purifies the impure and makes holy His children.

Smell

Smell is powerful evoker of memories.

A candle just snuffed out immediately takes me back to my Catholic upbringing. White and red robed boys appear before me extinguishing the candles after mass. A marble Jesus dies on a cross against a backdrop of red brick.

In the spring, lilacs watch my sister and I walking to school. We stop to smell and I get too close to their aroma and scratch my eye on a lilac bush. Lilacs are still my favorite flower. I cannot get close enough.

Sage in a prairie field and there I am with my Mother who says she loves the smell of sage as she rolls a piece between her palms. I know now she was remembering the reserve where she grew up, the crushed sage to her nose.

Collective Agreement

between said homemaker, Carol and her respective family

The agreement
1.0 will be effective from May 26,2005 until the said homemaker grows bored with said agreement.
1.1 entitles the homemaker to apply for retroactive hours of leisure.

General Definitions
2..0 Homemaker applies to Carol. who by definition is an on-call employee .
2.1 The homemaker is not a temporary position in accordance with the covenantal provision of Matt 19.5 and 19.6.
2.2 Carol, the homemaker will be considered a casual employee. This will ensure flexibilty and the ability to decline hours if she so desires.
2.3 There will be no transfers, promotions or resignations but there will be several benefits.

Family Rights
3.0 The said family is entitled to complain if they:
i. have no clean underwear
ii. have not received sufficient air time
3.1 The said family has no entitlement to lay-off, demote, discipline, suspend or discharge their homemaker.
3.2 Other family members are to be treated with the same consideration as the homemaker.

No Strikes or Lockouts
4.0 If said homemaker is perceived to be involved in an illegal strike, slowdown or stoppage of work during the term of this agreement, the family will instruct her to return to her work only after ensuring that she is not just involved in a long coffeebreak.

WORKING CONDITIONS
5.0 Regular hours will be 7 3/4 hours.The homemaker will be entitled to spend the remainder of the time in any pursuit that is deemed necessary for the well being of her soul.
5.1 Split shifts and even multi-split shifts are encouraged.
5.2 The homemaker is entitled to Sundays off.
5.3 If the homemaker is at another job site those hours will count towards her day's quota. Overtime may be required.
5.4 There will be two rest periods of 15 minutes, and two meal periods of 30 minutes.

Availability During Rest and Meal Periods
1.0 The homemaker will be required to be available to return to work at any time as long as there is sufficient proof of necessity.

Wage Appendix

Mood: discouraged

Ask why:
A co-worker wondered what I do all day since I only work two shifts. I didn't feel like elaborating. Her question made me doubt my productivity as all I really want to do is write. Perhaps I have been overindulging.

Work is busy after a long weekend.

I feel like I should be always positive but I am not. Sometimes I just want to isolate.

The words that hurt the most are when I tell myself, "I am not good enough."

Solution:
The reality is I am obsessed with writing. The good part about this is that it is helping me. I am still getting the essentials done. My family is not complaining.

Most people are used to running at full speed. Stress is dangerous to our minds and bodies. Not everyone can understand the people that prefer to live a de- stressed life.

The lab is a busy place. I want to be a good team player and not take conflicts personally.

I can not be positive all the time. There might be people who can but I have to accept where I am right now.

I am good enough!

"I have a wonderful life", I say as a bell tinkles.

I Think I Understand

We were at my in laws today. My Father in law has been put in a lodge. It might be temporary. He is 89 years old. His wife burned herself out. My theory is that she is trying too hard to protect him.

I have never seen him angry before and it's not as if it is very apparent, just an under current of rebellion. Like, he refused to use the walker and hit the automatic door button with his cane. "That is what it is for."

I wanted to tell her to let go.

I wanted to tell him I understand his sense of betrayal.

I thought how similar I am to her.
wanting to protect
wanting to control
inability to cope when I can't
eyes looking for sympathy

I thought how similar I am to him.
not wanting to be told what to do
wanting to disguise my anger
not wanting to be left alone
eyes looking for sympathy

I love them both. It is hard for a daughter in law, too.

The Wait

"He which testifieth these things saith, Surely I come quickly: Amen.
Even so, come, Lord Jesus."

Revelation 22:20

Not an excerpt, but a memory sparked by one...

I was in grade 9. For music, we had to critique a song and present it to the class.
I poured over my records. Knowing that my Partridge Family records were not cool, I asked my older sister if I could borrow one of hers. She looked through her albums and handed me Cream and Steppenwolf albums. After listening to the songs she suggested for the first time, I chose Steppenwolf's "Magic Carpet Ride". I did my analysis and felt prepared.

I stood before the class and explained the drug connotations.My classmates liked my selection, especially a boy called Sam.
He asked me if the class could hear "The Pusher" from the album as well. I said "Sure!"
Then I sat,stunned, while John Kay belted out, "Goddam the pusher" over and over again while Sam rocked to the music with his eyes closed. It seemed to be a long song.

The moment was redeemed after class though when Sam said to me,"Hey Rodunski, you're all right!"


last name changed to protect the naive

Music Meme Variation

I was tagged by Jennifer
for a music meme. I am tweaking it abit as I don't know the rules for meming.

1. What is your music listening style
eg. listen to one song over and over and over
or sing and dance to all your favorite tunes pretending you are in front of a packed audience

2. What is your favourite source of music? and why?
eg. radio because it is cheap
or from the library because the songs you like can't be purchased anymore and oh yes, it is cheap

3. What is the last music recording that you purchased?
eg.Jann Arden's Greatest Hits or Alison Krausse and Union Station's Lonely Runs Both Ways or an 8-track of Convoy by C.W. McCall (Don't look at me!)

4. What are your 5 favorite songs?
eg. I Can See Clearly Now by Johnny Nash
Whatever Happened to Old Fashioned Love by B. J. Thomas
Heartbeat, It's a Lovebeat by Tony DeFranco
Lion by Shari Ulrich
Crazy Monkey by Jensen Interceptor
(If anybody has heard of these artists, please leave a comment!)

5. Who do you want to respond to this meme?
eg anyone who is willing to share

My Children (about time)

My eldest daughter wants to be a graphic artist. I can imagine her doing that. Today she brought home a DVD that she made along with two of her classmates. Her Dad and I were impressed by the camera angles and special effects.
Her art teacher this year is stressing the purpose of art. She is catching on that art is more than just copying well. She is talented. I am proud.

I like to tease my middle girl that she should be a laboratory technologist. She groans and says, "That's boring, Mom!" Seriously, I think she would make a really good mom. She is patient. She quietly tells me,"No, you can't go on the computer, I have homework!" She is gentle except to her brother. She is good at laundry and she keeps her bedroom tidy.She is a caregiver. She doesn't know what she wants to do yet but I can't wait to see as her choices unfold. I am proud.

My son, the youngest, wants to be a newspaper editor. He started his own class newspaper and his classmates lined up to read the one hand-written edition. He recruited his friends to write the articles, make puzzles and cartoons. He is the only child in his class to know what the National Post is and he asked for the National Geographic as a birthday present.
I haven't actually asked today but I am thinking that his career choice might have changed to musician. He is currently into playing his guitar and recently purchased ukulele.Either way, I am proud.

I'm Tired

I did not sleep well last night, up at 3 am. Having warm milk did not help this time. Doing progressive muscle relaxation exercises also did not help. I moved to the livingroom so as not to disturb my husband and the cat thought that it was time for breakfast. She cried by my head. Then I had to work today at 7 am. I made it, though.

To help me stay awake at work:
I prayed.
I phoned a friend to pray for me.
I did quigong exercises in the handicap bathroom stall at coffee.
I went outside at noon for some fresh air.

After work, I raced by the kids saying, I have to get some sleep. I listened to a relaxation tape of acoustic guitar and ocean surf. It did relax me but I did not fall asleep. I phoned by husband to pick up some Kentucky Fried Chicken while I, okay I admit it, went on the computer, alternated with lying on the couch. Now, I've skipped the Wednesday Bible Class.

Sometimes, you just gotta do...

Her Name is Beloved

She is an optimist and a sweet woman. She massages my neck and encourages me softly with her English accent. She is a newlywed that adores her change of status. Her eyes look softly on her husband as she recalls their first meeting again. Her co-workers warned her not to sit with him because he was strange. We always laugh at this and nudge him.

She had a photographic memory and was a well admired child. She was going to be a veterinarian. There was so much hope for this girl.

but

Her husband has to tape notes on the wall reminding her of the household duties. She gets lost in the city yet she walks at night. She hands out sesame bars to panhandlers.

She stuffs gauze under her eyeglass lens when her eye hurts, a remnant from twenty years ago.

She looks at herself and her usual understanding sours for a minute as she remembers the car accident that changed her neurological patterns. Then she looks again at her husband.

Series of Attachments and Separations

there was birth
followed
by the expected
losses of attention

there were other sisters
some lost more

I survived

I found another faithful parent
whose womb I need not leave

Psalm 136:1

"O give thanks unto the Lord; for He is good: for His mercy endureth for ever."

Excerpt from a life

Nov 25,1973
I didn't go to church. I found out I can do the splits.Legs are sore from doing splits and dancing so much.

Dec. 9,1973
Slept in late, 11:30. Didn't go to church. Went skating.

Dec. 30,1973
Today I didn't go to church.

Come let us reason together part II

For those interested in reading the discussion I have been having with Alastair on the subject of baptism and whether infants need to be baptized go to here and scroll to see last comment on May 3/05 post.

They All Have a Thing to Say

My eldest's chore today was to make the crust for the meat pies I was making from the leftover roast. We had a great visit while she recounted the activities of her schoolday.

"Are you sure that you are remembering to double the ingredients?" I asked in between her stories.
"Yes, yes," looking perturbed as she usually does when I remind her to do things.
I learned that her physics teacher spent class time to show them his travel slides of Israel and Mount Everest. "How thoughtful," I think but keep quiet.

"Let me test your honesty..."
"Oh, oh!" I think and she asks me if she is a good singer. Her friends, Andrew and Richard, were impressed to hear her voice as she sang to midi versions of Beatles songs. They teasingly inquired whether she would on the school's idol show. Then Andrew obsessed and sang to midi songs all afternoon.

"Oh, Mom, this doesn't look right," she points to the small lump of pastry. "I forgot to double the shortening." So she starts over again and I get to hear what happened yesterday.

These after school moments when they are full to share and I am ready to receive are precious.

She uses the leftover pie dough to make her favorite Sneak Pie loaded with brown sugar, margerine and milk.

At supper, she announces to her siblings that it is pie day.
Her sister says,"No, March 14th is Pi Day." We all look at her in surprise.

Hum Me

The janitor mopped around our feet, humming a melody. As he moved around the room, the tune increased in intensity and seemed to fill the large and almost empty theatre of the lunchroom. I wanted to ask him what song was filling his mind but I thought that the question would make him self conscious and he would stop.

That did not stop the grocery store clerk as she scanned my items, though. I listened carefully while she hummed, trying to catch a word. When I heard "Lord", I boldly asked what song she was singing. She responded by widening her lips in a beautiful spiritual. Afterwards, she smiled as she continued to scan with the words more clearly meant for me. I packed my groceries in peaceful enjoyment.

"I am fourteen and sitting at the kitchen table with my Dad. With a mischievious smile, he hums along with me, teasing me of an unconscious habit. I am surprised by the silliness of our moment."

At work today, after the encounter with the janitor, I became conscious of the Jann Arden song that has been haunting me for the last few days but I don't think my co-workers could hear the soft sounds of me...

Etymology of Art

What is art? Today, I decided to acquaint myself better with this beautiful and concise word. I have previously defined it for myself as an expression of emotions but to really understand what art is, it would be helpful to know the history of the word itself. A good dictionary definition and encyclopedic knowledge would prove useful, as well.

In my brief examination of this tiny word, I found it most interesting, that in its' broadest sense, art is any skill gained by mankind through learning or practice. Within this definition, all things pursued by humans are art. I like the way my off-line Oxford defines art- a "human skill or workmanship as opposed to the work of nature." In our times, art has been narrowed to refer primarily to creative skill while technically art is a more generic term.(By the way, the etymology of 'technically' is from another Greek word, techne, which also means art!)

To name just a few artistic endeavors, think of:
a father who has learned how to discipline and train his children.
a girl who learned a new language so well that she can translate her thoughts fluidly to others.
a woman who has learned compassion through her own life experience.
a man who is eager to share what he has learned to others with honest generosity.
the mothers who have learned to enjoy the beauty of each day with their children.
the man who has learned to love again.
the woman who has learned confidence.
the girl who learned how to be a best friend.

You all make art look so easy.

Last Lesson from Physio

I am on maintenance shedule now. Rob says I have improved and no longer need physiotherapy unless it starts to bother me again.

I have been hearing these words repeatedly from different professionals. I am getting better. They nod at me.
I am nodding too and that brings tears for recoveries.

Mother's Day

"Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? Yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee." Isaiah 49:15

"he said, It is finished: and he bowed His head, and gave up the ghost." Jn 19:30

Just doing whatever I want

I am all alone and overdosing on computer time. It is lovely. The family have deserted me for the day/evening. I am spoiling myself and it is not even Mother's Day yet. (even if THEY forget, I will remember)
If there are any wonders to why there are so many poems lately (well 3 in the last 3 days) check out Blue Line in the sidebar. I am inspired.

Treasure

he handed me the opening of a gift
remembering the teacher
who nonchalantly parceled his lesson
in brown paper bags tied with string

he handed me the opening of a gift
describing the glitter of each wrap
with child anticipation
we held hands and untied

Excerpt from a life

Nov 22, 1973

"Last night I had a dream Mango was moving away it was like a nightmare because I actually woke up crying but I was very relieved to know it wasn't real."

The Librarian

Barreling into the vault
I lick the gold coins
while chains of silver encircle
my waist

Relishing moments
of bottomless frivolity,
I count the bound paper while
joyfully waving loose currency over my head

Dripping with saliva's warmth,
I marvel at each picture, each word
on the whitened precious jewels
while the signet falls to proclaim

She Wants To...

escape the brightness of
smiles and laughter
"too stressful to keep on"
"too dark to encourage"

mirrors distort the perfected
reality of her disease
and even though discomfort cries
"get me out"

she stays where her words drip on
assembled patrons
not risking a flight to a moonlit beach
where she might draw circles in the sand.

My Library

Today's Count 480 books but not including reference books, Bibles and study tools, textbooks,etc

Books read 13.5%

Categories
Canadian Literature 32 books
Most unread author is Alice Munro. I have 3 of her books, all unmarked..

American Literature 30 books
I have a beautiful copy of Moby Dick and The Bounty Trilogy. (Too beautiful to mark?)

English Literature 19 books
I have copies of Shakespeare from University days and Dickens, of course. etc

Other Literature 14 books
Joyce's Dubliners story, Three Sisters, stumped me. It is very marked but the collection is unfinished.

Fiction 18 books
I was introduced to Maeve Binchy and go to her if I need to.

Anthropological Nonfiction 6 books
I was really in the mood for Aku-Aku.

Historical/Political 11 books
Funny collection of cartoon style books on Marxism for Beginners, Nicaragua for Beginners and Peace for ...

Philosophy 14 books
One day I will actually read one of these, perhaps Plato in 90 Minutes.

Poetry 14 books
Such beautiful words have been written. I have a collection of Sylvia Plath's poems and Ted Hugh's Birthday Letters in response to her words. I have enjoyed The Best Loved Poems of the American People which a friend of mine detests but it has entertained me in the past. Then there is a collection of poetry written by schizophrenics.

Mythology 4 books
After reading Metamorphosis, I obtained a few more books from antiquity, except I can never remember if I have the Odyssey or the Iliad while in the middle of a bookstore.

Religious Books (self-help, fiction) 59 books
I once hosted a religious book party where only my roommate and I were present. The salesperson said not to worry as she usually didn't make so many sales.

Entertainment 4 books
A couple of books on old movies and the origin of theatre.

Photography 4 books
I have a beautiful book called Islands at the Edge. It is about Queen Charlotte's Island which is located off the coast of British Columbia. My husband and I traveled there on our honeymoon.

Children 23 books
I have books ranging from birthday party ideas to how to deal with teenagers.

Marital 13 books
So far I haven't needed the help. Just kidding. My favorite title is Intimate Enemy. I also have, as must every bargain shopping wife, Being Married Happily Forever by Ernest Borgnine's wife. It has a great cover and even some sound advice but I only got as far as chapter 4.

Humor 2 books
What can I say?

Self Help 53 books !!
It is difficult to pass up a possible cure for some lingering problem areas. Great titles are Creative Agression ( I felt I had to hide this from my husband along with the Intimate Enemy) and Brain Building.

Business 14 books
I was at a garage sale and the owner who was a retired salesperson thought I needed advice and gave me a bunch of free books.

Exercise 9 books
I read 44.4% of my exercise books, which is a record of all the other categories.

Diet 4 books
My dieting days are over, I hope, but what is left is meager in comparison to what I once owned on this subject. My favorite one in this category, which doesn't necessarily mean I read it, is Losing It:America's Obsession with Weight and The Industry That Feeds On It (by Laura Fraser for those interested).

Beauty 7 books
What clothes to wear( from the 80's) and how to do my nails, which I don't have time to actually do but which my 13 year old daughter might appreciate. She used black marker on her toes the other day. Shh...

Speaking 5 books
I am sure there are great ideas in there.

Writing 12 books
More great ideas sitting there.

Art/Creativity 35 books
My favorite title is So You Want To Be a Rock Star and 50 Great Scenes for Student Actors. Hey ,there is a lot you don't know about me !

Time/Money Management 16 books
I sometimes get real keen on finding the perfect balance and sometimes not.

Native Indian 27 books
I keep my native books in my native accessorized bedroom. They look great with my husband's westerns.

Neuroses 17 books
This section is kept beside my bed, hopefully in such a private spot no one would dare to browse through.

There is a huge used book sale on right now at a mall nearby. I have been there already and only spent $3.25. I overheard another shopper say that she already spent $50 that morning and here she was back again in the afternoon. She exclaimed, "and the week is only beginning."
Some people just cannot control themselves!

I plan on taking the kids tomorrow...

"Come now and let us reason together, saith the Lord"

The following is a comment I left on Forty Bicycles blog. I am not a theologian but I am a student of God's Word. It is a duty and an honor to earnestly contend. Jude 1:3


Dear Alastair,
I read your "Plagiarizing Myself II " article on baptism from Nov 4, 2004. Sorry, it has taken so long to respond since my April 14,2005 comment.

As I understand, there are some key points that we agree upon, mainly that in baptism a person dies with Christ and is risen with Him into a newness of life (Rom 6:3-5 and Col 2:12). Also, that it is through baptism that people are brought into Christ (Gal 3:26-27), and become a member of His body.

Regarding what you have said about regeneration and conversion, I agree that conversion happens before regeneration. Conversion, according to Vine's Dictionary, "implies a turning from or turning to.” Therefore, there has to be an inner change from one state to another. Regeneration is the new birth. I think that the difference in these two ideas is demonstrated in Acts 2:37-38. The people that heard Peter and the apostles preaching the gospel were pricked in their heart and asked what they must do to be saved. This shows that their thinking had changed and they were converted to the words of the apostles. Then they were baptized in v41 and received the regeneration or rebirth into a new life. Rom 6:4

The changing of the heart is something we do, not God. See Matt 13:15 and John 12:39-40. It is by understanding when we read, hear or see God's Word, that we are convicted of the truth and that is what converts us. John 3:20 shows His Word sheds light on man’s deeds but most in the world do not want their deeds to be reproved and thus avoid the light. They cannot be converted if they won't listen.

Baptism does bring the person into the body of Christ but it is also at this point that one becomes a Christian and salvation is given. See again Mark 16:16, Acts 2:38-41 and Gal 3:25-29 (Note that the heirs of the promise are those that have been baptized into Christ by faith)

John 3 is about regeneration. Regeneration is baptism. Being born again by the water and the blood are referring to the waters of baptism which are sprinkled with the blood of the slain Lamb. The kingdom which we enter upon baptism is the church of which Jesus is king.

Baptism is an act of faith because there is belief that what the Scriptures say are true and if someone believes, then he will do as that person instructs. This does not make someone worthy of a reward (faith by works) as it is only expected of him. Luke 17:7-10.

Infants or children are not in need of baptism. They are so pure and innocent that Jesus used them as an example of the kind of heart that is needed to receive the kingdom. Luke18:17. A parent cannot decide for their child what path they will choose. A parent can only train them in the ways of righteousness (Prov 22:6) and trust their child to make a wise decision for themselves once they are able. Children are unaccountable for their actions for they are innocent as were Adam and Eve in the garden until they willfully defied God.

Infants are not capable of faith or repentance. Both faith (Acts 18:8) and repentance (Acts 2:38) are required of the candidates themselves for baptism. Heb 11:6 states that “without faith it is impossible to please him: for he that cometh to God must believe that He is, and that He is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him." In the argument for infant baptism, it is believed that the faith of the parents will bring the baby into Christ but in this verse, it is the faith of the person himself that is required.

Infants cannot be in solidarity or pledge allegiance with anyone. This must occur when they are able to choose for themselves. God places people into the church (Acts 2:47) not the parents. It is by hearing the gospel and responding to it that one is saved. God draws people through the Word but an infant cannot be drawn because he cannot understand. (John 6:44-45) Children attend the services with their parents and are taught by both their parents and the church but they are taught so that they themselves will one day respond.

People are to be like a child in their simple trust of God not because of their lack of knowledge or understanding. Adults can be weak in the faith but this does not mean that babies are to included because of their weakness.

Repentance is an internal reality with external behavior. See Luke3:7-8. Both faith and repentance are seen by a persons' obedience.

God's Word is the external means which internally convicts the soft soil of a heart. This conviction leads to repentance, Acts 2:37-38. That person acts by confessing that Jesus is the Son of God and obeying the words that said to be baptized in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Matt 28:19

Birthday Party

Pizzas for supper and frozen smartie and skor ice cream pizzas for cake. It is sunny and warm, so kickball is on. I am not a party gal though.

When I was, the birthday girl would never have thought of her Mom hanging out while she played Red Rover or devised a new version. Mom stayed in the kitchen while we had the fun.
I invariably spilled the koolaid. Mom would grumble that this happened every year as she wiped up the stickiness from the plastic table cover, which was only brought out for this occasion. Afterwhich, pieces of cake were peeked under to find the dime (or quarter as it progressed through the years).

The parties abruptly stopped at my sixteenth. I remember feeling neglectfully grownup. I wonder if Mom was relieved at the ending.

They are here; seven boys ready for a game of kickball. Yes, I've decided that they do not need the Mom supervising their play after all.

After all he is twelve, soon to be sixteen.

I See...

sitting perched
four stories above
thinking of the choice
of this position

i could easily
fall or compulsively jump
be suddenly
misplaced by a decision

then i more easily
choose other affections
falling and jumping
into the allure of their dive

so I will enjoy
this respite of free will
sitting firm
four stories above

Psalm 119:92

"Unless thy law had been my delights, I should then have perished in mine affliction."

Spanglish

It is our tradition to watch a movie on Saturday night. This one made me feel good about being a mom and making good decisions. It gave me moist eyes.
I enjoyed the Spanish woman, Flor (Flower) because we have Spanish people in the church and I felt like I already met her.

Recommended

Excerpt from a life

November 18,1973
Since I do not have a diary I will keep all my thoughts in this book. We (Rlynn,Mom and I)went to 11:30 mass. We got a new parish priest since Father Nk is in Kano now.He gave a sermon on "the end of the world." We (Rlynn,Mango and I) went skating.Mac wasn't there. Cindy said his nickname is "Mojo." We are going to show tonight. Its supposed to be a horror movie "Legend of Hell House." I hope its good.

The Game

A player steps forward to an area
that lacks defense,
and sticks it to her
with accusational hooks.

The other shuffles forward
to create offensive
blind zones
for the low blows.

The weaker says,
"I don't want to play anymore"
and darts off the field
to head for home.

Whimpering, either champion
who hangs up their gloves
to plead that the game's not fair
will soon learn that this fight is not over.

Sample Day

6 am Wake up thinking that I have to edit last night's blog. Eldest is up as well. She is going to leave early for the physics tutorial. She is unimpressed that I am up so early to blog.

7am I do my physio exercises then have a Bible Study on Premillenialism with my Eldest. This is taking forever at 10 minutes a day but you know the saying about the slow but steady.

730 am. My Son wakes up.

8am My Middle daughter is awake as well. She has a late entry today. We three have Bible Time on Proverbs.

9 am I phone a friend while I throw a load of laundry in and put away dishes.

10 am I am out the door to get groceries. Since it is not "$30 coupon day", it goes pretty smoothly. I get box of 16 donuts for $2.49.

11:30 am I talk myself out of checking my blog for comments and put away the groceries instead.

12:00 pm Hubby arrives home. He is able to regularly make it home for lunch. Son is staying at school for lunch today as he is in the choir set up crew. ( I hear that they also get to be props as well) I make a special lunch for the two of us- salmon sandwich on ciabatta buns, gouda cheese slices, raw vegetables and tomato juice in wine glasses.

1:00 pm Hubby had to leave early. I put on my headset phone and make a call while I put laundry away and do the dishes. Phone pal has to leave so I phone another and talk while cleaning out the kitty litter box and emptying the garbage.

Oh no it is already 3:00 pm. My Middle daughter arrives home. Time for a snack. I realize I forgot to do my aerobic exercises but it is too late by the time I remember because I absolutely have to work on...

4:00 pm ...the income tax. I get my Hubby's done but mine is still on the To Do list. The Kids' chore is to clean their rooms.

5:00 pm I start supper. Today I make "Saucy Steak Sandwich", salad and fries. Oh yes, with rasperry filled donuts for dessert.

6:15 pm My Eldest daughter walks out on this meal. The meat was too stringy, she said. I make a comment in my cookbook to try another cut of beef. I think the others would have liked to walk out too but they wanted the donuts too much. Hubby thanked me for the meal and acknowledged the time it took. I feel discouraged by the meal. Hubby and I clean up.

7:00 pm We get kids started on their homework.

7:30 pm I do my Bible Study.

8:30 pm I do another set of physio exercises. Then I have my donut with milk because I was too full to have it after supper. I was the only one to have seconds on the steak.

9:30 pm I warn others that I am going on the computer and here I am!

Opinions are so One-Sided

I like to listen in on conversations and not commit myself in most discussions of personal opinions. I guess I feel I do not have enough information. Information gathering is a prerequisite for an educated opinion.

Where is information to be found, especially the accurate kind?

Newspapers and magazines are biased and provide readers their choice of preferred slant. Other media is similiar. I find that the film industry tends to be more permissive as artists resist restrictions because they feel frustrated by limitations. Artists need liberality in order to express whatever they find inside of themselves; they are the world's mirror. Without art, we would be robots and robots can't can't feel or love and they can have no empathy.
Other people uphold the security of law and order, without which, this world would be undisciplined chaos with no consequences to actions. The details of exactness are as much a necessity to our lives as the strokes of the artists' vision.

(I prefer the purity of an unbiased report.)

Even the information found in the sacredness of scientific data can be corrupted or misunderstood. One week, coffee is good for you, the next it causes cancer. This waffling of scientific conclusions is confusing. Patience is required to make proper deductions as it is in formulating good opinions.

Opinions are mainly based on personal feelings and experiences which do not require the knowledge of anyone else's views or of any other data. This insufficient induction lacks the full range of an informed opinion. Really, an informed opinion is an oxymoron. An informed opinion is, in fact, wisdom. Wisdom would gather all the data available, like a good scientist, and think about it with the thoughtful reflection of an artist. Opinions are second rate, quickly made assumptions which are easier to form than sagacity, which requires more work.

What I have been searching for is wisdom, not opinion. This makes me understand my reluctance to share. Still, even the sharing of an opinion (imperfectly formed as it may be) can bring one closer to wisdom as others test and challenge it. This trial by fire can purify an idea.

National Medical Laboratory Week

Time to appreciate those often overlooked health care professionals.

Ecstasy and Agony

He watches the trembling minds
who dare to soar from edges
and by defying the struggle against blackness
they find Him, the wind.

He whispers through their descent
and finally they die together
in the depth of the water
but arise still in a place

not yet discovered.

I believe in the breath
he gave as we broke
through the water.

John 3:5

Jesus answered, "Verily, verily, I say unto thee, Except a man be born of water and of the Spirit, he cannot enter into the kingdom of God."

My Opinion on the Environment

My son wrote, "My opinion on the environment is that it is getting polluted. The oceans are dirty from our waste. Our air is getting polluted by our waste. We shouldn't use our cars too much because then it would pollute the air. I think we should take all the trash and launch it up into space so it can just keep moving on through space till it passes Pluto and goes into deep space. As well, people could make special machines that takes pollution in the air and makes it fresh air again..."

My son's article prompted a discussion on the Kyoto Accord after supper. This is an international treaty to try to reduce global warming by limiting industrial emissions of green house gases. The dangers which can result from these gases range from weather changes to mass extinctions. Canada is committed to participation.

I feel like a child because I am not well informed on this issue. Sometimes it is easier to just trust other people that are supposed to be more educated on the subject. Even so, my son expressed his opinion well, so I will try to do the same.

I watched the movie, "The Day After Tomorrow." Critics and science experts alike said that the movie could not realistically happen. The magnitude of the storms and the quickness of the development was impossible they said. Even so, hyperbole is always an effective way to teach and warn.

Then a few months later we witnessed the severity of a tsunami.

We can't let greed or apathy determine our actions for the future depends on our choices. If a eleven year old can list several possible solutions to pollution then I know that we,adults, can find the knowledge and the interest to deal with the possible dangers threatening us. There are many trusting in our decisions.

The Fall of the Borrower

There were no bookstores in the small city where I grew up but there was a library. I could spend a couple of hours trying to decide which books to take out. After I had read all the hard covered Nancy Drews, I graduated myself to the adult fiction just for the lack of other choices. My older sister was unimpressed with one selection in particular. I had shamelessly chosen a paperback with a nude man and woman on the cover. "What was the librarian thinking," she said but I was undeterred and snuck my way through to the end anyways.
Afterwards, I quietly returned the book to the librarian's desk with the cover of the couple in the garden faced down.

I Like That I Am

1. a Christian. Actually, I am ecstatic about being a member of His body.
2. married to a good man since 1986. He has a gentle and kind spirit.
3. a Mommy. I enjoy this role of watching out for the family.
4. a good friend.
5. loyal.
6. an introvert.
7. improving at a lot of things
8. such as not to be a perfectionit for example.
9. a Canadian.
10. a writer.
11. getting better at debating.
12. kind.
13. a serious Bible student.
14. learning to deal with my weaknesses.
15. childlike.
16. becoming more focused.
17. intelligent.
18. dealing with life instead of running away.
19. healthy but
20. good to myself when I am sick.
21. willing to listen and understand what others are saying.
22. recuperating quicker from negative thinking.
23. having difficulty overlooking my weaknesses.
24. taking care of my children well.
25. worrying less.
26. observing more.
27. gaining confidence.
28. articulate at times.
29. using my creativity more.
30. a poet.
31. compassionate.
32.enjoying the writing experience.
33. able to let myself have a day off.
34. obsessive about things that are good for me too.
35. learning to think for myself.
36. learning to accept that I make mistakes.
37. humorous sometimes.
38. exercising. I still like Jane Fonda and walking the best.
39. trying.
40. really weird at times.
41. a book collector
42. and a reader of books.
43. learning to appreciate myself.
44. alive
45. and carrying on.
46. native Indian (aboriginal in politically correct terms but it doesn't sound natural to me.)
47. thinking more abstractly.
48. not fat nor compulsively thin anymore.
49. persevering.
50. becoming aware that I have limitations. Some of them might be my own choices too. I can't do everything.
51. a scheduler.
52. prioritizing.
53. a health care worker.
54. dedicated to what I put my hand to.
55. able to see some of my imperfections objectively.
56. insightful.
57. caring of other people's feelings.
58. a motivator to those that don't mind.
59. more able to see outside of myself.
60. able to keep a neat and organized home.
61. a cat person.
62. a seeker of truth. I found where to look for it.
63. a thinker.
64. considerate.
65. learning flexibility.
66. attractive.
67. getting a tad more assertive.
68. honest.
69. recognizing consistency is important.
70. doubtful of myself.
71. used to my progressive lenses!
73. turning to God for help.
74. a film buff.
75. sentimental and nostalgic at times.
76. logical.
77. not living in a war torn country.
78. enjoying a great life.
79. not a giver upper. Although I may sit down for a bit to catch my breath.
80. not above being wrong, although it usually takes awhile to admit it.
81. an overcomer.
82. spiritual.
83. getting better at mingling.
84. able to forgive others
85. including myself, but it takes a little longer.
86. serious.
87. silly.
88. appreciative of what I have been given.
89. artistically inclined.
90. attentive to details, except for spelling and grammar mistakes!
91. a daydreamer.
92. a second hand shopper.
93. a note keeper.
94. able to read my journals back to when I was 13 yrs.
95. able to say that my bestfriend and I have been friends since 1970.
96. able to stay at home for the most part to take care of the homefront. I only work 2 or 3 shifts a week.
97. capable of seeing the meaning underneath the surface.
98. able to write 100 things I like about myself!
99. glad to be in my forties. Life has not felt so good since I was thirteen.
100. looking forward to a happy eternity.

Academy

Yesterday, I had to pick up an art portfolio for my daughter. The closest art supply store was the one at the university. I love being on campus.

I went to university after high school, over twenty five years ago. The first day was hectic and filled with feelings of adventure as I raced to find each room. Adrenaline pumped as I met many new faces,this was rare to a small town girl. This was the beginning of my Life Away.

It was sky-blue with just a hint of a breeze and I felt eighteen again with anticipation. It was not just to be surrounded by books but to be in amidst the young people and their learning. This was Inspiration.

I eagerly raced through the book aisles until the fever subsided and I knew it was time to leave. I sat on a bench outside under the sun realizing I do not want to be a formal student again although I enjoy learning but slowly and meditatively. Oh but still, the air is so sweet.

Remember

shy arms then hands touching
the first time
by the river

then

the first time I could speak,
I repeated astrological
forecasts and astral projections

of leaving the city.
your face lit up
at the unhindered silliness

and later

reading out loud to me
you comforted me
with imitations of Christ

and later again

you fulfilled a tearful
daydream of faithfulness.
you stayed throughout the suffering.

Otter Woman Speaks...

"That night, Otter Woman tossed on her pallet of pine branches thinking of other things she had noticed. White women could not make peace inside their lodges. Day after day they fought dust and dirt. They made war on everything-clothes, pots, floors; fighting with lye soap, scouring ashes, straw brooms, and feather dusters. Otter Woman felt sorry for these white squaws who did not realize that dust and dirt were just a part of life to be endured like a bad, cold, hunger or mosquitoes." quote from Sacajawea by Anna Lee Waldo

This is one of my favorite quotes from Sacajawea which I am officially finished now that my book review is done.

Ever since I was a child I have had a problem with doing household chores. Both of my sisters still resent me for not helping with the housework as a child. I remember my older sister dragging me to the sink to dry a few dishes but you know what it says about taking a horse to water. I was a stinker for sure. Mom kinda threw in the towel over this. I do not recall ever vacuuming or dusting, much to the other two's chagrin.

My Indian Mother on the other hand, was a real cleaning fanatic. She was taught well by the nuns at the residential school about keeping a clean house, her nativeness was cleaned out of her as well.

After I had moved away from home, whenever she came to visit she would end up cleaning. My roommate and I finally forbade her to and told her just to sit down and relax. "Where is Mom," I asked my roomie. "I don't know!" Then we would both rush to the bathroom to find her scrubbing the bathroom to a shine.

When my sisters came to visit, they were not so cordial. One would stand with a towel beside the tub, sighing. I would reply by pulling out the scrub brush to guiltily ready the tub fit for an occupant. If I had remained as spunky as I had been as a child, I would have handed her the brush and ran!

Now, I am somewhat better but not better enough not to be amused by Otter Woman's observation. My Mom was caught in the crossfire between cultures really. She would fuss if the window curtains were not hanging straight. "Do you want people to think that Indians live here?" she would cry. "But Mom, we are...."

Half Crazy

Since she came
into my night
I have lifted up
an existance
of everlasting
fire
and embraced the
lightness of being

This is my reality now
this is me
Suzanne

this poem was inspired while listening to Leonard Cohen's Suzanne

Romans 7:24

"O wretched man that I am! Who shall deliver me from the body of this death?"

Sunflowers and Counting the Reasons

I received a phonecall tonight from Kathy, a past preacher's wife. She,her husband and two children moved back to the States almost two years ago. At the time of their departure, I was distraught and heartbroken. I had grown to love this family which cared so much for the truth and for me, too.

One of the mementos they were given from the congregation was a music box. Kathy told me tonight that her 5 year old daughter winds that music box up before bed and while the music plays, she thinks about the people she left in Canada.

We have found ways to heal.

Others are still here and I am learning to love their zeal too with a love that can break a heart.

How To Improve Your Memory

I picked up this book on memory at some used bookstore, can't remember where, but I have been reading it lately whenever I have to wait for appointments. I was recollecting or should I say, trying to recollect some key points to my girlfriend as we went for a walk, this fine spring day.

"Plato said... what did Plato say? Well I do remember that Aristotle, Freud and Pavlov were also mentioned," I said as I recalled some of the more famous experts on memory. Actually, I made an important point as classification is one of the ways to improve memory, according to Aristotle. See, the recall button still does work!

Another solution is to be interested in the topic you are trying to learn about. I could argue that I am interested in memory improvements but maybe at the time of reading, I was more interested in listening in on the hairdresser's conversation with another client or thinking about what to blog the day that I waited for my daughter's dermatologist.

This brings me to the major reason that people have memory problems.They are trying to concentrate on more than one thing at a time. This could be the problem as my mind is usually focused on me and whatever.

This memory book could be a little outdated. It is from 1957 but I found this reason also given in a recent parenting newsletter. It referred to the phenomena as "Mommy Brain." It also suggested doing less multi-tasking. I feel a little insulted by this insinuation that mommies are not capable of walking and chewing gum at the same time, even though I have found eggs and potatoes in the freezer. I refuse to give up the multi-tasking necessity that comes with being a housewife, mainly of being able to talk on a headset phone while doing the household chores.

However, I am not finished exploring the possible solutions to my dilemma and I remember what I wanted to tell my girlfriend. " Plato was the first to think about memory!" Now I don't feel so bad.

Jason's Entreaty

stumbling over the columns
of ancient landmarks,
he questions the authenticity
of what remains amongst the rubble.

he might emerge victorious
as some have,
if he learns to trust
Divinity but doubt himself

then like Aeson's son
who believed in power of Medea,
he will escape death
by a watchful dragon and gain the fleece.

Blog Survey

I found this interesting questionnaire today. The results will be used by a graduate student at the University of Florida. She needs the survey back by April 15,2005 though so hurry if you want to submit a reply. The link to her request is http://www.derekwebb.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=12224

I have left out the identifiers here so as to retain my anonymity.

1. Do you blog? Yes.
2. What is the name of your blog? A Revision
3. How long have you been blogging? Feb 19,2005
   Why did you want to start? (What was its' appeal?) I originally wanted to have a book blog about whatever book I was currently reading, to attach to my Book Review web page. After starting, I decided there was more that I wanted to say. One of the appeals is writing to a possible audience.
   
4. How often do you update your blog? Daily.
   Are you happy with how often you update? Why or why not? Yes, I look forward to the writing.
   
5. How would you classify the people who read your blog? Can you categorize them? (In other words, who do you believe is your audience?) I think that my audience are the spiritual, the thinkers, the poets and the searchers. Also there is an appeal to women and mothers but I hope that everyone from the humorists to the theologians will read.
   
6. Do you know any of the people who read you blog personally (or in real life)? Why or why not? If you do know any of them personally why did you choose to meet him or her? I have yet to meet any of the people who read my blog. It seems as though the anonymity creates a polite distance between most bloggers.
   
7. Do you keep any other kinds of "journals" besides your blog? Why or why not? I have a personal journal as well but I haven't been writing in it lately. Blogging is just too much fun.
8. If you keep a "traditional" journal, is there any difference between your online and the pen and paper version? What kind of similarities are there? Differences? Yes there are differences. The pen and paper is not grammatically edited. There is more variety of ideas in my blog. I am more creative in my blogging. My journal is more for problem solving. I can complain, and feel sorry for myself, knowing that this is only a means to the end of getting better. While in my blog I like sharing the answers that I have found from my introspection. The similarity is that the journal is like a rough copy of the inner me while the blog is the more polished version.
9. Which do you like better, on-line journals or traditional journals? Why? Right at the moment I am really enjoying the blogging experience. I like the more formal writing experience; it is like writing a daily column for me. Also, I like the interaction with fellow bloggers.
   
10. What is your language itself like when you blog? Do you edit for spelling errors, capitalization, or grammar? Why or why not? My language is better when I blog. I check for errors as well as I can. I was not aware of how bad my grammar and spelling is.
    
11. Do you think it is important to do this? Why or why not? Yes, it is important for me to do this. I want to be a better communicator so this is very helpful to me. As well, blogging has helped me to think positively about myself and my experiences.
12. What subjects do you write about in your blog? Is there any topic that is off- limits? Why or why not? I write poems and anecdotes from my spiritual and family life. I am not a coarse person.
13. Is there anything else you think I should know about why blogging is important or about why you blog? It is a great way to meet people from all over the world. I like meeting the inside person.
    

The Sound of God's Voice

A girl stood on the corner
handing out free books, bookmarks
and pencils
because a soft inner voice guided her there.

This will of God confused her.
Her conviction wavered
but the guilt of not submitting
kept her an obedient prophetess.

A woman stood on the corner
embracing the Written instructions
to her heart.
Words that spoke to all.

The sound is not mystical.
The sound is not solitary.
The sound does not depend on the
thoughts of a fragile young girl.

Family Time

Sunday afternoon is our family time. Yesterday,the request was to go to a large bookstore chain. Our daughter, who made the suggestion,had ulterior motives though. The new Star Wars book was in.
They used to have couches in this bookstore but young couples were getting too comfortable so they replaced them with hard backed chairs which are not conducive to cuddling. That was alright for my daughter though as she prefers the floor. I thought I would leave once she settled in for a good read.
My son, as always, asked what the dollar rule was. This is the amount of money we will pay for a purchase while they pay the difference from their allowance. He had already decided upon a guitar chord book which was a good, practical choice. Usually, he is scrambling to find anything to use his/our money on.
I found my husband in the computer section looking at a dummies' guide to making a million on the internet. Maybe it is a lack of materialism that made me think, "Hey,this could interfere with my blogging time!"
I love browsing in a bookstore but I prefer the second hand shops. The classics appeal to me more when they are a little worn into life like a Velveteen Rabbit with marked margins and creased covers. At these new stores, I tend to check out the bargain books first. I think with a sigh, "This could be me some day."
Then I look through the "wouldn't want to buy but good to look at" section. I checked out a book called The Worst Album Covers Ever. I learned there were even records of ventriloquism but apparently ventriloquists are not too adept at album design. I do think that being a ventriloquist on a record shows great ingenuity. I found that one of the LP's that I used to have made the list. No, not the one by the singing midget!
I also saw a Best of Blogs book. I looked to see if there was anybody I knew, but well, not yet.
My daughter, the Star Wars fan, was elated because she found out the ending to The Revenge of the Siths.

communication

I want to write
with clarity
and purpose
to be understood effortfully

but not in undecipherable languages.
For no one
will know that a tree fell
unless the witness is comprehensible.

Psalm 139

"O Lord, thou hast searched me, and known me."

For those who are coughing and sneezing...

People who are sick from the seasonal bouts of colds and flus need to get the gumption to break free from guilt to
a. call in sick for work, that is what sick time is for. Your co-workers will appreciate it.
b. forsake out of love for the assembly. (church members will understand)
c. enjoy the healing of staying in bed.
d. stop doing, even if you are a mother.
e. use medications to function if you have to.
f. don't shake someone's hand if you have been coughing or sneezing into it.
g. take advice from a previously sick person. There is a collection of cold remedies to be had from sympathetic recoverers.
h. if no one is being sympathetic, be so to yourself.
i. all of the above.

Intimacy

Look into the definite phrases
that replace the hue of the eyes
and the quiver of the lips

for these words, solemnly,brightly,
silently,
speak the intonations of a heart.

understanding depth

to be loved by Him
not with a godly love alone
but with the treasured
closeness of spirits bound

by friendship.
To discuss the deepness of God
together, not commandments alone
but reasons and the heart.

to be as John was,
a man that grasped
the words of his Friend
and understood being born of God.

$30.00

Once a month, a huge grocery chain in town offers a thirty dollar coupon for those willing, in exchange, to push a cart full of two-hundred and fifty dollars of groceries around their sprawling store. Today was grocery day.

Invariably, I choose the shopping cart with a faulty wheel that veers to one side. I end up fighting a cart that wants to go in a circle.
Since I am a thrifty shopper, the two hundred and fifty dollars goes a long way but the cart ends up weighing two hundred and fifty pounds. I've had fellow shoppers admiring my strength of bench pressing my cart.
I have gotten quite adept at stacking the groceries in the cart, but not as good as a friend of mine who strategically would hang shopping bags around her cart to prevent the inevitable overflow fallout. She also made a blueprint of the store so her route was pretty sophisticated. I ran into her once there ( not literally) and she looked incredibly relaxed. Boy, she made it look easy.
I have also gotten quite skilled at placing groceries on the conveyor belt. The heavier items must go on first, for if I mistakenly put the bread on first, I will have to try to convince my family that this is the flatbread that is so popular in the States.

You would think that by now the worst would be over and I could rejoice in my thirty dollar savings but wait, I have yet to pack them. Of course I am as fastidious in packing as I am in stacking.
The climax though is the trip out to the vehicle. I've had items fall out of the cart while the wheels get stuck in the snow and I've had the cart threaten to take off down a slippery slope while I bend to pick up another fallen item.
Today went pretty well though, I only had one near mishap with a pregnant lady.

Parenting 101

At coffee today the moms were talking what they would have done differently if they had to raise their kids over again. I realized that this implies that there has been some growth in the parent as well.

I would have not cared if there were cheerios on the floor. Nowadays we have a cat that loves finding these treasures.
I wouldn't care that my daughter didn't eat all the food on her plate. She used to frustrate me by agreeing to put the food in her mouth but refusing to swallow it. I have found that my boy is more cooperative with dietetics. It is important to know who you can talk food groups with.
I would have ordered pizza more often.
I would have volunteered less and instead read Anne of Green Gables and Tom Sawyer with my own children.
I would have been extra nice to myself so I could be cheerfully disposed towards my family.

Children help their parents to grow just as much as we help them.

from the stone to the pebble

she cries at the death of another, "It is not real. See, I can tell from over here that it is nothing."
So the pebble takes a glance before plunging to skip on the water as only a flat one can do. It ripples and falls to the bottom.

Luke 5:31-32

"And Jesus answering said unto them, They that are whole need not a physician; but they that are sick. I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance."

Where Are You?

I try not to imagine
possible scenerios
like
your coldness on a lonely floor.

This helplessness...
This failure of communication
threatens to draw me back
inside the borders of...

irrational deductions,
where its all about me.
Instead I will imagine my independance
and your suvival in any realm.

Commitment to a Safe,Healthy and Respectful Workplace

There is a new Respectful Workplace Policy at work. It is posted everywhere, but until today I had not read it. One of the bullets that caught my attention was that communication should be open and honest.

Many years ago when I was new in the department, one of my co-workers confided to me that she was diagnosed with manic-depression. I don't know if she told this to everybody but I was warmed and intrigued by her openness and honesty.
I did keep my eyes on her for signs of manic or depressive behavior. I noticed that she missed days and at other times she was engaged in what sounded like counselling sessions with the supervisors.
More so,I noticed her joking manner. She likes to shoot elastics at the unsuspecting and dance while she works. She has a wonderfully mischievious face framed by short silver hair.

Often, she will tease me about my quietness. She told me that she used to be shy too and wouldn't say a word. I doubt that but she insists upon it. She says she was eventually able to change to no longer care what people think about her.

This is probably not what management meant by its' policy but it is nice nonetheless.