Up to now, I have had fun writing and sharing my teenage self.
Quite a lot to write about so hold on!
You know I've just been thinking! I'm thin. Of course I knew that long ago but it was my dream for oh so long. Sometimes I couldn't get to bed thinking about it. I'm so happy, proud etc.etc.
Even if Chevy doesn't like me, he did notice me!
Went to doctor's office because of my problem. The doctor said its nothing serious. Thank goodness!!
August 29, 1975
Had trouble deciding whether or not to go down to 110 lbs. I guess I will although everybody but Mango is against it. I want to be like Cher!
I feel weak and without energy lately but...
Oh yeah, I got another new top. Wouldja believe its a small! How positively beautiful. I wish I had a 24" waist. Still faithfully sticking with exercises, although it is with less energy.
September 3, 1975
Registration day. Mango's first day at high school. She was nervous. It's gonna be fun having Mango in the same school.
Saw Chevy in the line-up. He didn't do nothing!
Debbie K. said I look beautiful. Hoo man! She said she was wondering who I was. Karen said she's proud of me.
Everyone tells me I'm skinny enough and that I don't need to lose anymore. Well, I'm gonna go down to 110 lbs. anyways.
September 7, 1975
Exercises are really helping. I'm happy, trying to keep myself busy instead of thinking about supper. I'm sitting in front of Mom's mirror. When I'm smiling, I don't look too bad.
I wonder if Rlynne ever reads my journal. She better not!
September 9, 1975
Went to the hospital tonight. I had to get an enema.
September 13, 1975
Afterschool I was admitted into the hopital. I had so many enemas. Stayed there until yesterday. The doctor said the only problem is my diet.
Well anyways, while coming home with Mom, we saw Mango, Aline and Cindy. They said,"Its Carol."
I opened the window and said, "Walking the streets again, eh?" I kinda rolled my eyes and Mango looked hurt. I was jealous.
September 19, 1975
Just came home from the hospital. I hope everything will go okay.
September 21, 1975
My short life is already falling apart! My digestive tract is wrecked and I'm only 16!!!
I feel like I'm gonna die anyday. There's my life depending on whether I sh-- or not. Whether I weigh 110 with a 23" waist or not. Emotional, nervous breakdown. God must be punishing me. I never felt like this before. I want Mom to hold me and say everything will be fine. I want to run outside and breathe and live. I want to sleep and sleep, forgetting everything. I want to be like normal people instead of groveling at people's feet. I wanted to hit Mango because she is healthy. I want to be healthy. Losing 73 lbs does have an effect on you-you go crazy. You go stark raving mad.
Will I gain it all back? Mom said no, I was sort of crying this morning. Takes me-I want someone to cry to. Someone to rock me and take care of me. I'm still a child, facing grown-up problems. Facing the antagonizing fear of loneliness and death. Feeling it and not knowing where to turn or who to turn to. Mom will think I'm nuts or too melodramatic.
God-okay, you did it! No, what am I saying? Sorry-it's me who did it. I'm to blame. I have no willpower, no strength, no health. Nothing, not even my daydreams help.
September 22, 1975
I took my yearbook to school. Asked Chevy for his autograph. Really! He just shrugged his shoulders and signed.