Saturday, January 14, 2006

Excerpts from a Life

Up to now, I have had fun writing and sharing my teenage self.

Quite a lot to write about so hold on!

August 27,1975
You know I've just been thinking! I'm thin. Of course I knew that long ago but it was my dream for oh so long. Sometimes I couldn't get to bed thinking about it. I'm so happy, proud etc.etc.

Even if Chevy doesn't like me, he did notice me!

Went to doctor's office because of my problem. The doctor said its nothing serious. Thank goodness!!

August 29, 1975
Had trouble deciding whether or not to go down to 110 lbs. I guess I will although everybody but Mango is against it. I want to be like Cher!
I feel weak and without energy lately but...
Oh yeah, I got another new top. Wouldja believe its a small! How positively beautiful. I wish I had a 24" waist. Still faithfully sticking with exercises, although it is with less energy.

September 3, 1975
Registration day. Mango's first day at high school. She was nervous. It's gonna be fun having Mango in the same school.
Saw Chevy in the line-up. He didn't do nothing!

Debbie K. said I look beautiful. Hoo man! She said she was wondering who I was. Karen said she's proud of me.
Everyone tells me I'm skinny enough and that I don't need to lose anymore. Well, I'm gonna go down to 110 lbs. anyways.

September 7, 1975
Exercises are really helping. I'm happy, trying to keep myself busy instead of thinking about supper. I'm sitting in front of Mom's mirror. When I'm smiling, I don't look too bad.

I wonder if Rlynne ever reads my journal. She better not!

September 9, 1975
Went to the hospital tonight. I had to get an enema.

September 13, 1975
Afterschool I was admitted into the hopital. I had so many enemas. Stayed there until yesterday. The doctor said the only problem is my diet.

Well anyways, while coming home with Mom, we saw Mango, Aline and Cindy. They said,"Its Carol."
I opened the window and said, "Walking the streets again, eh?" I kinda rolled my eyes and Mango looked hurt. I was jealous.

September 19, 1975
Just came home from the hospital. I hope everything will go okay.

September 21, 1975
My short life is already falling apart! My digestive tract is wrecked and I'm only 16!!!
I feel like I'm gonna die anyday. There's my life depending on whether I sh-- or not. Whether I weigh 110 with a 23" waist or not. Emotional, nervous breakdown. God must be punishing me. I never felt like this before. I want Mom to hold me and say everything will be fine. I want to run outside and breathe and live. I want to sleep and sleep, forgetting everything. I want to be like normal people instead of groveling at people's feet. I wanted to hit Mango because she is healthy. I want to be healthy. Losing 73 lbs does have an effect on you-you go crazy. You go stark raving mad.

Will I gain it all back? Mom said no, I was sort of crying this morning. Takes me-I want someone to cry to. Someone to rock me and take care of me. I'm still a child, facing grown-up problems. Facing the antagonizing fear of loneliness and death. Feeling it and not knowing where to turn or who to turn to. Mom will think I'm nuts or too melodramatic.

God-okay, you did it! No, what am I saying? Sorry-it's me who did it. I'm to blame. I have no willpower, no strength, no health. Nothing, not even my daydreams help.

September 22, 1975
I took my yearbook to school. Asked Chevy for his autograph. Really! He just shrugged his shoulders and signed.


Pearl said...

Teen years can be hell, some more hellish than others. Glad your pulled out of the health nosedive.

Barbara said...

Carol - I'm sorry you had to go through that. After all that Chevy won't even sign your yearbook. Must have been heart breaking.

k8 said...

it's weird. today i told my girlfriend- i would like to be so skinny people think it's unhealthy and say you need to gain some weight. i really needed to read this.

Carol said...

Hi Pearl,
Yes, I lived unlike others.

Hi Barbara,
I edited some to make it more obvious that he did sign my year book.
I was heartbroken.

Hi K8,
You have to be careful what you wish for. I'm glad that you took this post as a warning.

Last Girl On Earth said...

That is some really intense stuff. Sorry you had to go through that. I need to read more. Michele sent me tonight.

utenzi said...

Michele sent me, Carol. I've not been visiting very often the past 2 months. I'd forgotten about Chevy until I read your entry.

I need to lose weight myself but I hope I don't go to the extreme that you did in your teen years. I'm at 215 now and it's a bit much. I hope you're at a healthy weight now--the saying you can never be too thin is quite wrong.

Carol said...

Hi to the Last Girl on Earth,
Yes, it was pretty light up until tonight. These are an ongoing Saturday

It is good to see you again. Thanks for asking. I am at a healthy weight now, not too thin and not obese. I've found where my body needs to be.

manas said...

well Carol..cheer up !!
u have a reason to smile i guess..the sun's up there shining as brite as ever.. n the nite's there to shower u with its sweetness...hey do u want something more ??

Jennifer said...

Thanks for the warning, dear Carol. I lost down to an ideal weight two summers ago, but when I was diagnosed with depression this summer, I sank rapidly...I lost ten pounds in one week. I didn't care anymore: I was happy to be thin, and unhappy about everything else.
I did like the weight I dropped down to, and I am trying to stay there, but trying to do it healthily. I am trying to treat my body well, eating and drinking good things. I don't know if I will ever be over my food obsessions. I worry about it.
It's not all bad...just a small issue. Everyone has their own. I'm not too bad off :)

Fred said...

It sound like you were at least somewhat cheerful while going through all that.

Glad you found the happy medium, though.

OldOldLady Of The Hills said...

This is surely a cautionary tale Carol...Forgive me for my ignorance, but is this the first chapter of a book you are writing?
It is very arresting and I love the way you have made it a diary..(I am assuming it IS your diary...) This is important stuff, for sure. Finding the right balance is quite a feat, isn't it?
Give us MORE!! MORE!! MORE!!

Carol said...

U are sweet. Thanks.

It is not healthy to have to obsess to keep at a certain weight. Perhaps it would be good to talk to someone about it.

Yes, I was but in this last excerpt, I began to learn the truth of Ecclesiastes 3:1 and 4.
"There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven...A time to weep and a time to laugh;A time to mourn and a time to dance."

OldOldLady of the Hills,
The book has already been written. These are actual excerpts from my journal. This is a good divisional point for my story.

Raehan said...

That's so cute and yet so sad.

It's hard to be a teenager, isn't it?

J. Andrew Lockhart said...

I'm rushed, so I'm going to come back and read the whole thing --- this so much reminds me of my wife and I in Jr High (Chevy isn't your husband, is he?)

Carol said...

I'm glad all that it is over, for sure. Next-menopause!

J. Andrew,
When I asked him to sign and he did no more than sign, the hopes I had for a relationship ended. More next week...

manas said...

lol...well thats time for me to thank u !!
ur still sweeter...
love ..MANAS

J. Andrew Lockhart said...

carol -- I finally got time to read this (Cher?????) = having 2 daughters, it terrifies me for them to go through this.

Carol said...

Manas :)

Thanks for reading, J. Andrew. Continue to show love to your daughters and they will be okay.