I told myself. "It would be nice if you kept your concerned blogpals updated on how you are doing sans lithium..."

So here you are-

I took the this week off from work so I could work on our home budget (and stop the lithium at the same time. Bad combination?)

I like sorting things so I had a lot of fun placing the year's bank transactions into the different expenditure columns of the budget program we have. I felt kinda high and jumpy inside, afterwards. Really, I lead such an exciting life...

Anyways, to calm myself down, I did some Qui Gong and a quick pre-blog meditation. I imagined that I was sitting by the sea like the character in Alexander Scala's novel I just finished reading.
Dr. Swarthmore experienced a revelation as he sat by the ocean. So I imagined being beside God and feeling His immense presence. I felt little but in harmony with God and the rhythm of the sea.

Does that sound high?

The Race

Every couple of months, I indulge myself with time off from my scheduled hectic life. I call it my downtime. I try to limit this time to two days because I have found that in the past, this time of inactivity can be guilt invoking and lead to a type of induced depression. This time, however, has been a delicious exception.

For the last couple of days, I have allowed this time to be a healing experience. It is especially significant for me because I planned to use this time to initiate my freedom from the drug Lithium.

I became a Christian in 1991, baptized into Christ's body. Since then Jesus has been changing me, not miraculously, but by the natural progression of living and facing life with God's goodness. Through the power of faith, I have overcome an eating disorder. Now, I am ready to face another mental illness, Bipolar Disorder or Manic/Depression.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in 1988. I had been taking lithium ever since. I had not experienced any further mania but I continued to struggle with depression and anxiety over the years.
Do not think that I decided to go off the Lithium impulsively as I was content to remain on it for the rest of my life.

I met a someone who was to become a major influence in my life. He believed after our many conversations that I would one day be able to stop taking the medication. He repeatedly told me that nothing was the matter with my thinking.
I tentatively came to believe that this would be possible some day.

In 2001, I attended a seminar given through work by a Canadian Olympian, Silken Laumann. She was a rower and was training for the 1992 Olympics when she was in a rowing accident that ripped her muscles apart. Through the medical skill of others and her own determination and self-discipline, she endured 5 operations on her ravaged leg. She managed to still compete in the Olympics which was only 11 weeks from the time of her accident. She won bronze.

After her motivational speech, I made my way up to her and told her that I had Bipolar Disorder. She asked me, "Do you think you can overcome it?" I looked steadfastedly back into her eyes, and said, "Yes!" She could see in my eyes that I meant it.
Now, 6 years later, I am ready to face this challenge.

Yesterday evening as I was wondering how to spend some more of my precious downtime hours, I came across the tv movie of her life that I taped several years ago. It seemed a fitting time to watch it.

God is my Rock.

I don't know if I will win bronze or gold in this race against my mental illness, but this is my moment to give it all I got...

I am a Snapdragon What Flower Are You?

A snapdragon? I need a nap...

12 More...

reasons to say "Thank You"
1. I took the chance to sleep in,aaah.
2. I got out of bed with a phonecall from a Sister-in-Christ.
3. an ex-Toastmaster friend (not an ex-friend) joined up at the same gym as I.
4. I had some brain exercise today too. I've been doing crosswords.
5. My Husband picked up pizza from Safeway for supper tonight.
6. I practised with the "band" this evening.
7. The Kids and I watched tv this evening as well.
8. They are great Kids!
9. I relaxed on the couch with a hot water bottle. It soothed my achin' muscles..
10. 2/3 Kids cleaned their bedrooms.
11. My lunch is made for work tomorrow- leftover pizza.
12. What a nice day!

Friends of the Friendless Marching Band

As I visited my Blog friends this evening,
I realized how many of the friendships formed in the FFMB
still exist and have developed.
Hats off to you all!
I am very proud.
What I set out to accomplish,
I accomplished
in you!

12 Things I am Thankful that I Learned Today...

1. be responsible
2. and accountable
3. ie. don't blame others
4. be prepared
5. think for myself
6. don't expect others to know more than I know
7. pay attention to the way things are supposed to be (know the rules)
8. but know when to be creative
9. and original
10. be nice
11. and hospitable
12. have fun

"To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks unto thee for ever." Psalm 30:12

I have been keeping a list of one dozen reasons to be thankful. I find that this helps to relax me for the night.

Here is today's top 12...

1. a Husband who thinks Win/Win.
2. his hard work to take care of his family.
3. a Daughter's happiness at being a Christian,
4. her love of the Scriptures
5. and her love of the Brethren.
6. a Son for his notable improvement at school,
7. his creativity
8. and originality!
9. another Daughter's pleasant, easygoing nature,
10 she is a hard worker
11. and she likes to hang out with me.
12. this time of life.

The Good Seed

I want to introduce another blog I have started along with my friend and sister-in-Christ, Mango. Our aim is to share with others what we have learned in our study of the Scriptures.

I hope you will join us there.

Worthy

We were thrown from a train,
miraculously freed from a careless conductor.
I escaped unharmed while she lay wounded by the tracks.
I closed my eyes, repelled by the gashes on her hands and feet.
Blindly, I held her and cried for help.

A physician arrived,
strangely enough, on a stretcher.
His form flickered like a flame.
The wounded woman, herself, flickered in my arms.
Ministering to the woman, the physician and I,
I held her hand while he washed her feet.

She glistened as a shining pearl ring
appeared on her finger.
We looked with love into each other.

Pro 15:15 " he that is of a cheerful heart hath a continual feast. "

Tonight, my Daughter walked into room with a big smile on her face. I asked her why she was smiling as she grinned at me.
"Tell me," I asked, "I want to smile too."
She said, "I smile naturally!"

"Must be nice," I replied, smiling back.

A Book Meme...

Okay Aurora...

Total number of books owned:
Last time I took inventory the count was 480... but that was 2 years ago...

Last book bought: was from a second hand book sale. Amongst my purchases there, I bought a collection of Mark Twain's short stories.

Last book read: was Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom. It left a lasting impression. My day includes a talk with the bird on my shoulder. I ask, "Is it today?"

Five books that mean a lot to me:

1.) The greatest priviledge is reading God's Word.

2.) Anna Karenina. I learned a lot about people from Tolstoy's characters.

3.) The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey. Actually, I have not finished reading this yet. I am working on the 3rd habit which is about scheduling, a favorite past time for me. This is definitely the best self help book that I have ever read.

4.) Who Has Seen the Wind by W. O. Mitchell. This novel is very special to me as it introduced me to the wonders of literature. This book also captures the prairies, which I love.

5.) I love the romantic book, Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. Sigh...

I am going to leave this tag open to other book lovers out there.

1. Pearl-see comment section
   
2. 
   

I am Still Here...

Dear Blog Pals,
I am down to 1 tablet of lithium from the 4, I was taking 7 months ago. I have been feeling amazingly well. I still have some anxiety at times but am reaching levels of well being that I haven’t in a long time. This is not a mania but a calmful joy as I told my therapist. I am BUSY, for sure but also happy and grateful.

I have not been doing a lot of writing except for journalling and emails.

Currently, I am organizing a talent show for a church gathering. I feel almost like a conductor in a marching band, for real this time, although tuba-less.

Excerpts from a Life: An Epilogue

In my series of excerpts from my journals in the 70's, I talked a lot about my crush on Chevy, a fellow student at my High School. I lost weight and became anorexic in trying to win this boy but to no avail. I never even talked to him, except to ask for his autograph in my Grade 11 yearbook.



Epilogue: August 3, 2007

I was at my 30th High School Reunion this weekend.
At the evening get together, I told my Husband that I was looking for Chevy.
I noticed this fellow (a chunky man, kind of) with graying black hair and dark eyes. I looked at him and thought I might've known him. Our eyes met but I looked away, not knowing him after all. I had been looking at people like that ever since we arrived in my my hometown, trying to find faces that I might remember.

Then this kinda chunky man got up and I followed him (with my eyes). He walked up to me. "Hi Carol," he said. I looked quickly at his name tag and replied, "Hi Chevy."

Not wanting the moment to end, I invited him to sit down with my Husband and I. He proceeded to tell us, at record speed, his life story. I interrupted him at one point to ask, "Did you always talk this much?"

I felt like I was going to cry after a while; I knew my face showed it.

When Dreams Become Reality

I am travelling to my 30th high school reunion this weekend. Saturday night, we will gather to share our reflections. I am not sure what this will all entail, but I wrote this poem in honor of what we shared together in 1977.
The grad theme that year was Roads Beyond Our Own. I was not in favor of this choice at the time. I preferred the one in the title of this poem, but as you will read, both are signicant in this present.



When Dreams Become Reality

The person beside
the person behind
the person beyond
were writing languidly in class.

The Lit teacher desired relevancy to our words
so we doodled the dreamy margins
of the final journal pages of June
with corsages and boutonnieres.

Time enough to hope in black and white
before roads grow gnarled
with passion, luck and life.
The paths bent around the corner, unrevealed

until now. With eager faces,
we travel down opened notebooks,
fulfilling the theme of long ago
of seeking roads beyond our own.

Mothers and Guilt

She said I would receive her wedding ring
I protested
for I didn’t want to think of her dying
or of taking fidelity off her finger

So soon,
we were dividing the possessions
My sisters stated,
she wanted you to have the ring
I protested again

She was buried with it sparkling
but now every time rings are mentioned
I cringe and remember
I didn’t listen to her

Oh, I'm Okay

When someone asks how I am, I sometimes reply, “OK.” OK feels like a noncommittal word, meaning not great but not bad either. However, as a child, I used to think that the big red K on the Kellogg’s cereal box stood for OK. It was a healthy and bright word back then.

I realized, that I really didn’t know what OK meant. I looked it up in my Canadian Dictionary and discovered that it is an abbreviated form for the words, “orl (or oll) korrect". Further study into the etymology of OK revealed that the term originated in Boston newspapers in 1839. There was a humoristic fad at that time to reduce phrases to their initials then supply sometimes incorrect spellings in parenthesis. OK (oll korrect) should really have been OK (all correct). Get the joke? It wasn’t all correct!

After studying this word, OK, I found that it is a vague and even misleading term. So if you ask me how I am doing, I might be OK or might be OK in another more literal sense which actually means I’m not OK.

What a suitable word for all occasions.

Castles and Lairs

Fingers flicker
imitating dragons leaping
from page to page
casting fire and chivalry
over dew dropped fairy tales

Dragon Girl by Caroline Young

A Visit to Tara

in disarray,
your heart throbs
for tranquil kind thoughts

but stocking magazine mansions
with Chinese porcelains
and marble Athenas
will not satisfy
tomorrow

The Magus

A long time ago in 1982, I read a book by John Fowles titled "The Magus". At the time, I was heavily into tarot cards and found that the different roles of the cards came alive within this book. I was intrigued by analyzing this book and spent a lot of time with it. I must say though that today my philosophy differs somewhat from that which I discovered in this book.

When I read RDL's blog, When I Grow Up, I was amazed to read her request for someone to give her a book report on it. Finally, after all these years, my effort will be put to use. Here's for you, RDL...

The Magus

a book review

This novel is about the journey each man must take-the journey of the inexperienced Fool, of the Major Arcana(Tarot), existing only in the physical plan of consciousness into a man existing in harmony with his subconscious and conscious desires, being so aware of both, that they become one.

Urfe is the Fool of this novel, bound by earthly pleasures and unaware of the true love he desires , ie the love that exists in Alison, a girl he leaves for Greece. However, in Greece he meets the Magus, (Magician), Conchis, who helps him see what he couldn't see before- ie the unseen, his subconscious desires.

Urfe begins to understand what reality is-endless interactions. The masculine view is to see as objects whereas the feminine view is to see the relationships between objects; both are true. The individuals are what make the interactions possible.

Each man must achieve the power to discern what he considers good, what he considers wrong in order to relate himself successfully. But first he has to step above his material ambitions and not be ruled by carnal conscious desires. The man who does not accept or have his own philosophy, will remain the Fool.

This novel is rich in mystical symbolism, hard to understand but harder to put down.

Talisman

That is me
hanging from the rear view mirror
Balancing Feather

A stranger asks
"how are you?"
I shake, smile
and answer
good
she smiles,
"me too"

Balancing Feather
falling from the rear view mirror

During service
He asks “Are you okay?”
he knows the signs
how I hunch forward off the back of the pew
fingers tapping
He asks,” Are you okay?”
No, I might have to go to the back
he makes a little space for me to pass
I hesitate then make my move
during the hymn
taking my briefcase, I head for the back
sometimes
I feel safer
with no one behind me
no one watching as I struggle for air

“I am Safe”
the unbalanced feather falls to the floor of the van

Driving home
someone follows
to make sure I arrive home safely
I watch her in the rearview mirror

I pick up the fallen feather
reinsert it
on the mirror.